Along came a spider

It’s hard to stop a spider if it wants to sit down beside you. Unless you are an arachnologist and have a distinct interest in eight-legged things, it’s likely that just like Miss Muffet, some of you will want to squish, run or scream.

Like spiders, people often do things without invitation. Rather than running, what would have happened if Little Miss Muffet had simply said: Hey I’m not totally happy about this arrangement; do you want to work something out?

Or, she could have said: You crossed a line. Please step back and respect my space.

Everyone has rules and limits that they put in place as a kind of safety guideline. These are called boundaries and they define who we are, and what we find acceptable. They’re a mix of physical, emotional and psychological needs that are tied into a unique set of beliefs, values and past experiences. The aim is to find out, and to let others know, what is permissible and what is not, and to know and respect how others may respond if the limits are crossed.

 Think of a boundary like a line on a ping-pong table. What you deem as acceptable lives on one side of the line and what others deem as acceptable lives on the opposite side. It’s your job to get to know what is okay and to be considerate of their needs, rather than meet your needs at all cost.  It’s never okay to step over, stomp or steamroll over someone else’s boundaries or frighten them.

It’s helpful to take into account the things that are likely to trigger unhealthy responses from both parties. To stop trouble brewing, be aware of how you are likely to express yourself. Pay attention to how others react and listen to their needs. Never underestimate body language, signs and signals. If you aren’t sure if what you are doing to someone else is acceptable, why not ask?

Do
Be authentic and honest.
Take responsibility for your words and actions.
Respect differences.
Apologize for any harm caused.
 
Don’t
Become passive or aggressive.
Intimidate.
Stay, poke and push.
Bully.
Leanne French  www.madltd.co.nz