Dr Jane

Dear Dr Jane
I am terrified of flying and try to avoid it as much as possible. I never used to be like this, but have had more than one highly uncomfortable landing into Wellington airport. The last one was so scary I swore I would never get on a plane again. The trouble is that I have family who live in all different parts of the world, so if I want to see them I need to fly. I have sweating palms just contemplating getting back on to a plane. Do you have any advice?

Petrified

Dear Petrified
Most sane people will be able to relate to your story. I think I have only experienced landings, in which clapping upon touch-down occurs quite frequently, in Wellington.

All the statistics about safety and number of emergency back-up systems make very little difference to a person who is terrified of flying. In fact, it can be quite annoying to hear people say ‘you’re more likely to die on the way to the airport’ when you pluck up the courage to admit that you would rather be eaten alive by bears than board a flight. Anxiety has a talent for always speaking a little louder than reason (“yeah but what if this is the 0.000000000000000000000000001th time it does happen???!!!!).

I am presuming from your letter that you are specifically afraid of turbulence when flying. This is understandable. Turbulence creates the experience of bouncing/bumping in the air which feels most unnatural at 20,000 feet. The only people who enjoy turbulence are probably the pilots and those unfathomable creatures who like rollercoasters.

Why do we put ourselves through this discomfort? Because we want to get somewhere – to connect with someone or to perform some type of meaningful purpose. But what determines whether we get on a plane or not? Our behaviour has the potential to be influenced by strong emotions OR by our values in life. The emotion of fear produces a real urge to escape and avoid, which it sounds like you have been doing. The worst thing about avoidance of a feared situation is we never learn that we can cope with it, and so the fear and the distorted thinking it produces (‘If I get on that plane I will just die!’), continues and is never challenged by hard, cold evidence (“Wow, that plane did land and so I must have coped with the flight”).

If your value in life is to stay connected with family then this is a good guiding principle for your behaviour (i.e., get back on a plane). Strong emotion is often unhelpful as a behavioural guide as it lacks reason and leads to primitive responses (fight, flight [ironic!] or freeze) that are sometimes obstructive in living the lives we want to.

To sum up, book your plane tickets to see your family if staying connected with them is part of your value system. Remind yourself of all the things you can do to tolerate discomfort. And drive safely to the airport.

Dr Jane Freeman-Brown is a Registered Clinical Psychologist. If readers have a subject which they may like covered Jane ‘s address is: drjanefreeman@xtra.co.nz.

The advice in this column is intended as general commentary and not individualised to a specific person.