Dear Dr Jane

I am becoming increasingly annoyed at my teenage daughter who spends her entire day on her phone and refuses to help in any way around the house.  On the odd occasion she might do the dishes but complain bitterly before, during and after.  It’s just easier to do them myself.  She then expects her father and I to pay for everything, including her phone.  Is there anything I can do to make her help around the house more and spend less time on her phone?

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up

Teenagers should seriously come with a health warning.  I would recommend everyone who parents a teenager to read up about human development, because there are some very important biological and psychological milestones that occur in adolescence.   Understanding these can help parents comprehend why their angelic child has suddenly turned into someone as appealing as toothache. 

Generally speaking, from 0 – 10 years, parents are the centre of the child’s universe and this is reflected in their behaviour.  But gradually, the child seeks autonomy and starts to view their peers as the be all and end all (psychologists call this process ‘individualisation’). 

 In today’s world peer contact is dramatically increased via the mobile phone.  By teenage years the modern teen could be mistaken as having an extra limb that has a screen and a dial-pad.  In yesteryears it would require escaping out a window to have as much peer contact as today’s teens.  

There are two significant and concurrent tasks in parenting a teen, which can be a delicate dance to negotiate.  The first is to maintain a relationship with them (even though their behaviours may be as irritating as having a mosquito trapped in your ear), so you can be the secure base and sounding board for them to come to when things go wrong.  

The second is to teach them values to live by.  It is quite normal for teens to push back on parental values as they proceed through the process of individualisation.  However, it is important to stand strong on your values and the behaviour that manifests them, because parental inconsistency can lead to unfortunate lessons learned (e.g., that you are capable of being manipulated).  

So, if one of your values is that family members pitch in to help around the house then you could use the major reinforcing value of the mobile phone as motivation for your teen.  For example, a mobile phone bill being paid is contingent on the dishes being done at a pre-determined rate.  If the dishes are not done, then the bill does not get paid.  If your teen snarls and says you are mean (or words to that effect), smile sweetly and say you are being a responsible parent and teaching them life-long lessons.  

Dr Jane Freeman-Brown MNCCP

Registered Clinical Psychologist