We Are the Very Model of a Modern University

BY JOHN ANSELL

(with a nod to Gilbert and Sullivan)

We are the very model of a modern university

We’ve done away with knowledge and we’re all about diversity

Indigenous ethnicity and gender multiplicity

And when we get offended how we generate publicity!

We’re cuddly Marxist-Leninists and Islamist apologists

And Helen Clarxist feminists, indigenous ethnologists

We have our NZUSA to help the LGBTQ

And if you’re brown and being put down we’ll stop the white man beating you!

And of your right to speak your mind we are especially tolerant

Unless you’re white or on the right or male or Jew or Protestant

Our studies fortify the fifth (that’s almost every) columnist

And how we love the Catholics now the Pontiff is a communist.

By our denomination we are strict identitarians

And number in our congregation many Treatifarians

We peer review our mates’ research and doctor methodology

As members of the Leftist Church of Climate Scientology.

We’re all about identity, not what you know but who you are

If you’ve the right parentity then that will take you very far

As our preferred minority you’ve got an opportunity

As from the need that you succeed we’ve granted you immunity.

We thought you’d like to know that we’re performing in Humanities

We’ve gender studies, ethnic studies, studies in profanities

We’ve got the most discriminating funders that we have to please

Or soon we may not be in full possession of our faculties.

Our job’s to teach the teachers of your children how to lie to them,

“The Treaty is a partnership” whenever they reply to them

We have to keep pretending cos the tribes are quite fanatical

And I’m expecting tenure and I’m due for my sabbatical!

A tribal-sovereign partnership is manifestly risible

That treaty had no principles unless in ink invisible

And neither did the doctor who concocted the untenable

He was the very model of a bad Attorney-General!

Defending all the rights of those who show us their obedience

Abusing the respected and excusing every deviance

We vilify conservatives and glorify perversity

We are the very model of a modern university!